Monday, September 17, 2007

Steven King is a Feminist Dick Monger

Steven King loooooooves women. He thinks they are just sooooo great. Fuck that, women blow. Steven King should stop loving women so much. Steven King, if you are reading this: The AWC demands that you stop portraying women in such a positive light. If you do not comply with this demand we will have no choice but to make a totally hollow threat to boycott your future works.

I know what you are thinking, "You mean the guy who writes horror novels, don't bad things usually happen to women in horror novels?"

The short answer is "yes" and King has actually taken considerable heat from stupid feminist cunts for being a man, er... being insuffiently woman friendly; but most of said feminist cunts have not actually bothered to read his stuff. If they did they would find out that while some bad things do happen to King's female characters (not as much as happens to his male characters though), his main cuntachters always prove to be strong womyn who buck the odds and trounce their patriarchal opressors. While King personally denies being a feminist (::cough:: bullshit ::cough::), that he is one becomes an inavoidable conclusion once you notice that about 90 percent of his 10million or so books contain at least implicit pro-woman propaganda. Also interesting is that his books without feminist propaganda tend not to be very good. Conspiracy? I'll let you decide.

To be fair, King's ultimate feminst work Rose Madder is not very good either. I mean, it's okay but unlike most of his other stuff, it just isn't that good. Rose Madder is about an abused wife who becomes an uppity cunt (or, to translate for my female readers: an "empowered sheperson"). By the end of the novel you need to keep checking the cover page to make sure you haven't accidently picked up a work by an obscure feminist author named Stephanie King. All kidding aside, it becomes very difficult to believe that a man, even an extreme mangina, could produce such a cuntrology. The sad fact, however, is that while the Rose Madder is nothing special, it is still a million times too creative and the story is too well told to have been done by a woman. The conclusion: Your eyesight was not failing you and you are not reading the breakthrough work of bulldyke Stephanie King; Steven King is merely the world's biggest mangina.

King's severe case of woman-loveitis apparently comes from being raised by his Empowered(tm) and independent mother (and likewise not being raised by his abusive deadbeat of a father). In fact, his mother is allegedly the basis for the character Doloris Claiborne, the main character of the bizarely titled Dolores Claiborne. Claiborne is not really a feminist, per se, but she is empowered enough to kill her douchebag husband and so does her friend/enemy/employer Ms. Cunthair. Although I didn't think the book was that great, I did kinda sympathize with Claiborne. Yeah, she was a bitch, and a little bit uppity, but she wasn't so bad. She really wasn't a feminist though and unlike with Rose Madder it is hard to see women getting all wet over Dolores Claiborne. The AWC has decided to leave Dolores Claiborne off of the list of banned books.

Gerald's Game on the other hand is more feminist crap. It is also not particularly good. But didn't I say that it was King's non-feminist books that tended to be weak? The answer is yes, I said that, but his explicitly feminist one's aren't very good either. His best books are the one's which are implicitly pro-woman (It, The Stand, Insomnia). Actually, now that I think about it, I was wrong because a great deal of King's best books are not pro-woman either (Needful Things, Misery, Pet Semetary). Okay, forget what I said about King's non-feminist books not being that good, I was wrong on that point.

Anyway, back to Gerald's Game. It is a book about an uppity cunt and I wouldn't be surprised if many women found it more empowering than Rose Madder. My feminist readers must leave a comment or send me an email indicating which one they felt was more cunt-friendly.

In conclusion: Steven King is great! I fucking love Stephen King! The man is a genius and certainly one of the greatest writers of all time.

That said, the AWC cannot overlook the gratiutous woman-loving that permeates much of his writing. So listen good Stevie boy, your future books should focus more on women's flaws, I know that as a writer you delibrately avoid such easy assignments but we at the AWC have had it with your pro-woman propaganda. Women are lame, it is time for your writing to start reflecting that.

1 comment:

KellyMac said...

I got one word for ya: Misery.

Ok, I have a lot more than one, but then, I AM a woman!

Welcome to the blogosphere. Keep writing :)